My secret diary 1970 November (i)

Nov 1 (Sun)
My birthday disaster! 145 people burnt to death in French dance hall. A disaster always happens on my birthday or near it. Oh God! Why oh why?*
Nov 2
Trapsed all round town looking for a pair of denim jeans. Couldn't find any. Telly man came. Good looking son. Felt a fool.
Nov 3
Still half term (has beeen since Friday dinner). Didn't do much, just a bit of revision. Wrote letter to Lorette*. Rotten thing hasn't written for ages. Used machine a bit.*
Nov 4 (Wed)
Back to school, nice day (fairly). Wrote letter to Diane. Daft flowery envelope. Hate X. She steals - stole a hatband at school (did pay for it afterwards).
Nov 5
Pity all the poor kids who are going to be burnt tonight. Crying. Dad wants me to argue. Makes me cry. Soft. BAN FIREWORKS. Cut finger in hockey. Good mark in test. Good.
Nov 6 (Fri)
Crying. Well! Dad's in a funny mood again. I've just been out babysitting. She gave me 10/- again. Annoyed at her. DAD IS TOO!*
Nov 7
Went up town with Auntie May. I like her. I bought some denims. Auntie May got me a Russian dictionary. Gave me knitting needles. Had visitors.
Nov 8 Sun
Had visitors last night. Douglas and wife and daughter. Me and Gillian left in. She's quite nice, not a good speaker. Bored all night. Both fell asleep. Auntie May came today, and cousin Allan.
Nov 9
School! I never look forward to it nowadays. On October 31st (7 days after my birthday) 144 teenagers were killed in France. Oh help me get rid of this jinx, please.*
Nov 10
Speech Day, so half day off. Ashamed of myself, so lazy. Did nothing nearly all day. Behind with homework. Tut! Did some crocheting for Sandra's poncho.*
Nov 11
Ah well! Another day. Bored stiff. Didn't start school till 10am. F.T. is 'tagging on' to me, J and S. Had an idea about sewing sessions Friday.
Nov 12 (Thur)
Oh dear! We've got a problem. F! Tried to get away from her at dinnertime. Sorry.*
Nov 13 (Fri)
I think S is breaking away from me and J slightly. Went up town last night with S, bought 10/- worth of toys for lad that I babysit. Party tomorrow.*
Nov 14
Shirley came, gave me skin thing for birthday present. Had nice time. Up-town. No gloves. Sara's party. Fab house!! Oh S, don't go off with F, you're my friend.
Nov 15
Lazy thing! Did hardly anything all day. Homework. Did a lot of Sandra's poncho. That's about all, honest. Cried about S. Don't go.
Nov 16
EXAMS START ON NOV 25th. HELP.


*Commentary
Nov 1 - I can only apologise, shrinking with embarrassment, for being a self-referring drama queen!
Nov 3 - Lorette was my friend penfriend who lived in Amiens. The machine I refer to was the sewing machine.
Nov 6 - When I read this, I thought we were annoyed about the amount of money, in some way (too much, too little??) But - see what happens next Friday.
Nov 9 - I have already apologised!
Nov 10 - I had acquired some horrendous flourescent pink nylon yarn (where from?), and I set to work to make a pink poncho for my second cousin, Sandra, who was about 5(?). I can't say that I never saw her wearing it. It must have been horrible!
Nov 12 - was I really so horrible!
Nov 13 - Clearly either dad or I thought I shouldn't be paid for baby-sitting - so I gave the money back by buying toys. I suspect that this was dad's morality, rather than mine. But this is how parents' values are instilled in the next generation. When I was much younger (maybe 7) I desperately wanted to buy a set of doll's cooking utensils from our local newsagent but didn't have enough money, and my parents wouldn't give me any. So I borrowed it from a friend, with the promise that I would pay her back when I got my pocket money. When dad found out, he was furious! He made me take the purchase back tot he newsagent and ask for my money back. I was mortified. And so I learned not to spend money that I haven't got.

Just finished reading . . .

The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve

9.5 out of 10

Anita Shreve is a great, and multi-facetted, writer.
In this book she tells a good story, and she explores the extent to which we can ever know someone else. How do you react when you find out that someone close had big secrets?
2 pieces of wisdom that I marked in this book
(1) you have to go through something to get to the other side
(2) 'to be relieved of love ..... was to give up a terrible burden'

Not a book to read on an aeroplane.

What did it have in common with the last book I read, by Michael Connelly? They are both about investigations into why death occurred.

Truth and diary-keeping

I have kept diaries on and off throughout the years. There is a trend, in that they tend to more factual in 1970, becoming more emotionally focused in 1974 and beyond, presumably as I discovered the full gamut of adult emotions.
When re-visiting my diaries now, various thoughts about the truth keep popping into my head. The most important one is at the end of this piece of writing, so skip down now, if you wish!
Firstly, we will never know whether I wrote the truth in my diaries. (But what is truth?) Presumably I was writing some version of the truth. This will have been impacted on by (a) whether I thought anyone else might read the diary and (b) whether I could perceive and face the truth myself. I have to ask myself, what did I omit or embellish at the time?
Secondly, when I transcribe my teenage diaries, now, for public consumption, I don't always present exactly what I wrote at the age of 14. I might leave out things that might hurt others, or that might reveal something that is too personal about self and family. This week I even left out a corny joke that made me feel uncomfortable (am I trying to protect my 14 year old self, who existed 40 years ago, or the adult me, who still contains her?).
Thirdly, my diary keeping was imperfect, and so recently there have been questions about parts of my narrative that I cannot now answer, because my memory isn't good enough. So some truths are lost.
Fourthly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I have re-read some diary entries recently which have given me a sudden realisation of a truth that I didn't know at the time I made the entry. For example, transcribing my teenage diaries for this blog, (and in the course of doing so, imagining what a modern, adult readership will make of them), I saw my parents' relationship differently. Even more recently, I was re-reading a series of diary entries that I made in March 1988, when I was going through a messy relationship break-up. I can't write the detail here, but I suddenly saw something that I didn't see then! Not just an emotional insight - I saw a truth about facts, that had stayed hidden to me all this time - I have new knowledge! I think this emerged through re-reading the whole, swiftly, after a gap of many years. It was like a detective novel - this happened, and this happened, so of course, we must conclude that that must have happened! It has come as a bit of a shock, but one which the passage of time has made safe, and I can even laugh about it. If I meet any of you in person, I may even tell you the secret!

Any great insights about truth in here? Maybe not. It all links in with qualitative data analysis of course. And the nature of truth. Now I need a cup of coffee.

My secret diary 1970 October (ii)

Oct 17 (Sat)
We lost against Broughton 5-1. I didn't play. Did more of chemistry set. Finished it. Watching an 'X' film on telly at the moment.
Oct 18
Never did finish that film. I'm sorry, behind with diary again. I'll have to do something about it.
Oct 19
It's my birthday soon. Hurrah. I'll be 14 yrs. Gosh! What shall I be when I grow up?
Oct 20
S and J are going to take me out on my birthday they say. Won't tell me where. Didn't start P.
Oct 21
Still haven't started. Found out we (mum, dad and me) are going down Birmingham on Sat to see Norma. Can't go out with J and S.
Oct 22
J and S are going to buy me a present instead. Keep whispering about it. I wish they wouldn't. Got a bit angry about it. Still no P.
Oct 23
Birthday tomorrow. Going to see Norma. J and S will give me present on Monday. Carol brought me some bubble bath. Happy.
Oct 24 My birthday!
Mum got me writing set, Norma got me necklace. I'm happy. Didn't like going and coming in car 'cos it was stuffy. Norma's friend K also went.
Oct 25 (Sun)
Dreary day after all that. Fixed up costume for Hulme House party tomorrow. Did homework etc.
Oct 26
Hulme House party. Quite good. Had to dress as ghosts! Mum's old sheet. Tried make-up, didn't work. S went home by herself.
Oct 27 (Tues)
Nothing exciting
Oct 28
Norma is coming home tomorrow. Upset 'cos Shirl forgot birthday (so did Auntie Emma!) S a bit ill at school. Tish's party on Sat.
Oct 29
Dad's birthday tomorrow. Haven't bought him anything. Norma home. Carol came. Tried to make soap with chemistry set!
Oct 30 (Fri)
Went up town with Norma. Bought dad keyholder and torch 10/11d. Norma bought him a lighter. Quite dear.
Oct 31 (Sat)
Tish's party today. Hallowe'en. Awful drive up to house*. Nice party.


*Commentary
Oct 30 - I've always been a bit careful with money, but I'm alarmed at my meticulous recording of how much things cost!
Oct 31 - I seem to recall that Tish lived in an enormous mansion, with a big garden, big driveway, and lots of rooms. One of the consequences of going to the school that I went to was that I was thrown into the company of some affluent families. I'm not sure that I envied them. They were just of another world, like the boarding school girls in Enid Blyton's Mallory Towers.

Just finished reading . . .

'A Darkness more than Night' by Michael Connelly

7 out of 10

I read this because it was recommended by big sister, who knows her detective / crime books. She reckons Connelly is the master of the art in this genre. (Following me recommending Dragon Tattoo to her)
It was a good book, with great characters, and an unexpected plot.
However, not sure I want to read books that are driven by plot and puzzle solving. I loved all the Agatha Christies, when I discovered them many years ago, but that was my first intro to detective / murder books, and there was the extra bonus of them being magnificent period pieces.
Did the book have anything in common with my last book, 'Nocturnes' by Kazuo Ishaguro? Yes! There is a key character who is a drifting single man, discontented.
I will read another Michael Connelly sometime, but, meanwhile, I am reading good old Anita Shreve again.

My secret diary 1970 October (i)

Oct 1 (Thur)
Cried last night. Cried this morning too when I left Norma for the last time 'till Christmas. Hell's Bell's, I'm soft. Nearly cried at school. She's gone, Norma's gone*.
Oct 2 (Fri)
Hurrah! I'm on the hockey team tomorrow against Chaddy Grammar! Thrills! Norma's gone away. I miss her a bit. Mum's worried about her.
Oct 3
Dead pleased with myself. We won 1-0 in hockey. I didn't score. Annoyed with myself.
Oct 4
--
Oct 5
Can't rememeber much. Decided to invite J and S to sleep at the weekend. Don't know how to arrange it.
Oct 6
The intelligences of J and S have figured out that we can put the 2 beds together and I can sleep in the middle - cheek!
Oct 7
Did sculpturing in art. Enjoyed myself. Quite fun.
Oct 8
S said her mum is ill so she may not be able to come at the weekend.
Oct 9 (Fri)
S 'phoned said she couldn't come. All (nearly) my aunts and uncles came. Auntie May, Emma, Annie, Uncle Fred, cousin Audrey and Fred. Norma phoned. I HATE Aunite Emma. Auntie May's nice.
Oct 10
Supposed to be going to Ashton with J. Her dad was late. Couldn't go. J came back home with me. Showed ourselves up. What fun!! She slept.
Oct 11
Went to baths early with J. She kept going on about a lad who I couldn't see because I had no specs on. J is okay.
Oct 12 (Mon)
On pins about this Saturday's hockey team. I don't think I'll be on the team. Not playing very well.
Oct 13
(BWD*) Can't remember a thing. Except that Hulme House* Party will be a 'Ghostly Get Together'
Oct 14
Same as yesterday I'm afraid. Sorry (BWD) Oh! I sleep in Norma's bedroom now. Mine's too small. (AT. It's not, it's just right!)
Oct 15
(BWD) One day this week "our pals" from Frederick St nearly did J in . We didn't go that way (me & C and S)
Oct 16
I'm on as reserve for hockey against Broughton*. Disappointed naturally, but it isn't so bad. Started clearing up chemistry set. Putting it in Norm's bedroom.

*Commentary
Oct 1 - She was going off to university (the first person in our whole extended family of thousands) in Birmingham, to study Nuclear Physics.
Oct 13 BWD = behind with diary
Oct 13 - my school had a house system. You belonged to one of 4 houses (Hulme, Assheton (?), Booth or Lees - named after local dead dignitaries). I seem to recall that the houses had a points competition. They accumulated or lost points according to the good or bad behaviour of their members. A cup was awarded at speech day to the winning house. I was a relatively good girl. I remember getting some conduct marks from Miss Roker for hanging out of a classroom window, shouting to someone below. You could also get conduct marks for not wearing your hat in public, having your skirt too short and anything that a teacher deemed was unseemly behaviour for a refined young lady.
Oct 14 - AT = afterthought, written in retrospect
Oct 16 - I don't recall having any talent for sports at all. Including me on the team at all must have been a sign of desperation or kindness.